Parenthood

Life with a teenager can be very interesting. One day, you understand each other perfectly and the next, it is like you are living on two different planets. One subject that parents and teenagers have trouble agreeing on is their friends.

Parents have to tread lightly when it comes to likes and dislikes concerning your teens. Most teens go through various phases between the ages of twelve and eighteen. Hanging around with friends that you don�t approve of could be one of those phases.

Determine why you don�t approve of their friends. If the reason for disapproval surrounds their appearance or mannerisms, you may have to put up with it. If your teenager is having a hard time figuring out who they are, the chances are that someone else�s teenager is having the same trouble. Asking your son or daughter to drop a friend because of their looks sends the wrong message.

If one of their friends is disrespectful in your house, handle this situation directly with the offending teenager. This is your house and you lay the ground rules. Kindly tell the friend that he must change his tone and word usage in your home. If he agrees, then the problem is handled.

Teens often do things that they have been taught. Propping feet up on the coffee table or drinking from the juice carton may be okay at their home. Talk to your teenager�s friends with respect and tell them that you don�t allow certain things to be done in your home. The reason they didn�t do it before was because he or she just didn�t know.

If you suspect that one of your teenagers new friends is into drugs or something else that is not above board, action may be warranted. Keeping an open line of communication with your teenager should alert you to any changes in their behavior that may have prompted their new relationship with this friend. Ask your teenager if their new friend is into any risky behaviors.

Before your child can object to the question, reiterate that you are concerned about them. You can suggest that they may want to distance themselves if this new friend is doing something that could get them in trouble. If your teenager insists that nothing is going on, trust them. You have raised them to be aware of drugs, alcohol, smoking, and sex. They have all of the tools that they need. The rest is up to them.

Teenagers will have all types of friends. It is okay to be concerned if a friend doesn�t click with you. Take the time to understand the reasons why you don�t approve of the friend before jumping to conclusions.

Sexuality and how it is developed is a very touchy subject.

People like me who work with children, adults, who have been sexually abused at home, can clearly see a link between the bedroom and the abuse.
We try to advice parents, society on how to prevent this from happening.
We also tend confuse the issues of the people we work with for an issue that impacts everyone.

Advice on keeping children separated, giving them their own bedrooms, is one way of putting restrictions before teaching.
We as parents have a role to teach our children what is appropriate and what not.
Sexuality is part of that, whether we like it, feel comfortable about it, or not.

A lot of professionals are as comfortable, or uncomfortable, as you and I to deal with the sexual development of children. Their advise may come from their point of view.
This view maybe fear and control based.
"This is bad stuff and we need to prevent it for anyone at any cost."
Or it may be opportunity and freedom based
"Kids need to explore without fear and we don't need to tell them this bad stuff"
or something in between.

I personally, and I have worked with a lot of sexually abused people, don't think it is an issue we can solve with one answer for all.
Parents need to know their kids and teach them skills that help them develop abilites to deal with challenges well.
These are communication, conflict resolution skills, self esteem and the ability to say "no".
And they need to talk about sex, kid's bodies and how they are going to develop, what happens and what feelings, desires, confusion may come up.

To do that, parents need to face their own sexuality, their own skills at all of this.
So they can teach and prepare their kids.
And yes, be open and honest with yourself. If you have issues with telling them what you see as right or wrong, you need to work on that. It doesn't mean we have to split up the kids, because we don't know what to say, how to listen for the signals we need to pick up.

Millions, many millions of kids all over the world share rooms, young and old.
Do they have to deal with issues?
Of course they do!
Sharing a room is and opportunity to learn to communicate, solve problems, deal with the presence of others when you don't like it and much more. Including as you grow, have hormones flying through you.
Do some of them come out with problems, sometimes of a sexual nature. Yes, they do.
But the fast majority don't and love their brothers and sisters, even with all the family dynamics we know.
And they have learned from those fights and of the physical contact that living in close quarters brings.
Without any sexual hang ups.

If you see, hear a signal that your kids are not getting along, or doing something that may worry you, step up to your parenting plate and deal with it.
Sometimes splitting them up is absolutely the answer.
Most of the time, it is not.
You as a parent can deal with most of it simply, by listening, taking your kids seriously and making your own common sense decisions, having them solve it, maybe with you.
Do I advocate for kids sharing rooms, like boys of fourteen with girls of eight to twelve, sixteen?
Of course not.
But being a parent is looking at more than one answer.

A blank statement about sharing rooms being right or wrong is, in my opinion, an easy way out of being a responsible parent.
You and your kids are the special mix you are and you will need your own answers.
Many are blended families, many are not.
And the more you prepare your kids to have open strong relationships, sharing what they think and feel, solving issues along the way, the more you prepare them for a great life, including a great sex life.

And walls between people have never taught them how to communicate.
Privacy, respect for boundaries are teachable concepts.
Let's teach our kids to deal with those well.
That is our job, after all.