Parenthood

How you decide to raise your children is entirely dependent on your morals, values, ideology and how you were raised. Everyone has different methods of raising their children. What unites all parents is their want for what is best for their children. We want them to be respectful, goal-oriented, forward thinking, compassionate, strong and, most of all, happy.
In the process, though, we must have those attributes to show our children how it is done. Above all, consistently living values and morals is the most effective way to teach them to your children. Saying one thing and doing another sends the message that it is okay not to live up to your word and that hypocrisy is acceptable.

For example, if you follow an organized religion, do so faithfully. Follow the religious principles, attend services regularly and search for guidance through the institution. This will show your child that religion is something important in your life that should be important to them as well. They may not fully understand the values of the religion until they are older, but as long as they know that it is important they will make the effort to follow faithfully.

Another prime example is smoking. If you teach your children that smoking is bad but are a smoker yourself, your children will think that it is okay. If they see a parent who smokes as happy, healthy and loving, the connection between smoking and disease will never be made. No matter what you tell them about the negative effects of smoking, all they see is a smoker living a happy, normal life. In this case there are two options: to be miserable, angry and depressed to connect smoking with sickness, or to quit smoking. When making health choices it is important to remember that the effects of these decisions affect not only you, but your children as well.

Don't waver about what you want a child to do, especially when they are young. Be clear with your messages. If you tell them that hitting is wrong, don't give them any exceptions. They are too young to understand which times it would be okay to hit and which times it would not be okay, which means that smacking them on the hand should not be a form of punishment. They will not be able to separate what mommy or daddy is allowed to do from what they are allowed to do.
Most of what children learn, especially before they are at an age where they attend school regularly, they learn from their parents. Just because they don't understand some things does not mean they are not watching what you do. It is important to practice what you preach. If you want your children to live up to your moral standards, you have to live up to them first. Whatever your morals are, stick to them. Whatever your parenting strategy, don't sacrifice it just so your child will be your friend. Remember that you are a role model for your children.

Since children imitate most of what their parents do, it is important for you to teach them through action, not just words. The values and morals you want your child to learn will only be passed on if you live them first.

Avoiding the blame game is one way to teach your child about responsibility. Even if you are right, you do not want to teach your children that it is okay to pass the blame onto somebody else.
This happens quite often in children's sports, though it is not the children that are doing the blaming. Parents in the stands frequently fight with each other, the coach or the referee if the game isn't going as well as they would like. Sometimes your child might not get as much playing time as you would like, a ref makes a bad call or another player gets away with a penalty against your child. Yelling, screaming and fighting will not solve the problem; it will only embarrass your children and yourself.

In these cases it is important to remember that no one can take about your child's talent. As long as your children work hard, their abilities will show on the playing field, in spite of a few questionable calls. In the game of life, there is a lot of room for human error.

Blaming others sends the message that you are trying to deflect responsibility. It shouldn't be about winning an argument or proving you were right. It should be about being a good role model for you children. Instead of blaming others, this about what you can do to make the situation better. Instead of blaming the referee, simply say "You played a great game."

Your children will face obstacles in which the will not have the opportunity to blame someone else, even if it is not their fault. For example, if you child spends all night on a homework assignment and then the computer crashes, he or she faces a serious challenge. Teachers do not want to hear "the dog ate my homework." Instead of making up excuses or trying to place blame on the school or computer, your child must come up with a way to get the assignment done.
Think about what would happen if your child has seen you placing blame. He or she will think about following your example and will try to look for a way to blame it on someone or something else. Teaching these bad habits now will not profit your child later when he or she enters the work force. If their boss asks them to do something they can't do, they can blame others all they want, but the boss won't want to hear it. The boss is only concerned about how the problem will be fixed.

You have to teach your children now, through your own behavior, that even when you can't control a situation you can improve it. Things will not always go their way, and you have to teach them how to take responsibility and come up with ways to compensate for unavoidable accidents or the mistakes of others.

We worry about our kids: their well-being and happy future are our main concerns in life. We long for them to be content and successful at whatever they choose to do. We hope that we'll be able to provide them with the same kind of help that many of us have received from our own parents. But how can we ensure that we're doing everything in our power to make all of this come to pass?

We can, but there's a process. First, take a few steps back and consider what we truly want for our kids. For example, when I asked a client of mine recently to think carefully of the three things she wished for her children, who range from 16 to 9 years of age, she responded "I want them to be loving, compassionate and responsible adults." There was no mention of rich, famous or powerful. This mother really got to the root of what she knew to be the crucial characteristics necessary for her children to live happy and fulfilling lives.

Once we have this kind of clarity about the things we really want for our kids, we can then move forward towards instilling those traits in them. But first we must be completely clear. Here what to do:

1. Make a list of what you want for your kids. Be sure your list is unselfishly motivated! Financial security, love, happiness…even for them to be blessed with kids just like them! That's what my Mother wished for me and it came true.

Once you have come up with a list of perhaps ten items, start from the top and compare the first two items. Which is most important? Take that choice and compare it to the next item on the list. Again, which is most important? Continue doing this until you have gone through your list and the item that remains is your number one choice.

Repeat the process for your number two, three, four and five choices. This is a list of the five most important things that you want for your kids. Having prioritized, now you can do your best to assist in creating a wonderful future for your kids.

2. Important rule: You are not making decisions about your children's personal future. That's their responsibility and their right to determine. However, as a parent, you are certainly able to influence their future.

3. As an example, let's say that Financial Security is on your list. Do you know what it takes to create financial security? Think of people who have managed to achieve financial security on their own. What traits do they share? Perhaps you determine that responsibility is one of those traits.

How do you create responsibility? What do you know to be true about responsible adults? My own personal opinion is that these adults were taught early on about responsibility through actual experience. For instance, most of them probably had specific chores they did at home. Several probably worked in the summers. Many of them may have learned early on to take responsibility for their own lives and not place blame on others nor make excuses. At an appropriate age, the majority were undoubtedly taught to make decisions on their own and suffer the consequences. They learned not by being told what to do but in the actual doing.

Responsibility, coupled with other strong traits you might identify, will assist your kids in taking charge of their lives.

Be forewarned: It is so much easier to just let them do what they want versus being a watchdog. Teaching a child responsibility, or anything else for that matter, takes patience, determination and commitment.

4. Be a role model. Our kids model themselves after their childhood experiences and especially as they saw their parents. As much as we said we would never be like our own parents, how many of us can see our parents in ourselves? If you want your son or daughter to be responsible, be responsible. By being a true and consistent role model, you can have the most profound influence on your children.

5. Who is this child? I love the story a friend told me recently. Her son in New York City had a visitor, a young woman in her third year of college. After spending a week together, the student admitted that her major, biology, was not what she wanted to pursue but rather what her Mother suggested. She wanted to be a fashion stylist! How could her Mother have missed that?

Do you know what excites your kid? What moves them? What they love to do? Who they really are at their core? Honoring them for who and what they truly are is the greatest gift you can give your son or daughter. Take the time to connect with them and really listen. Listen on a level where you really are hearing them.

6. Praise the positive and attempt to minimize the negative. Of course you establish consequences for unacceptable behavior. But positive reinforcement is a much more powerful tool. It's Pavlovian conditioning and it works.

7. I love this quote: "Expectations are predetermined resentments." Don't set yourself up for disappointment. If you are looking for fulfillment, look to yourself, not to your children. Don't attempt to live vicariously through them. It will only end in unhappiness for everyone involved.

8. Try to remember what really ticked you off about your own parents when you were their age. Not that it was valid. Remember we were just kids and reacted in a childish manner much of the time. But it will help to empathize with how your own children are feeling, to understand their frustrations and to be able to communicate in a more effectual way.

Almost all of us find our way in life but it is so much easier if we have the necessary tools. You know now what you wish your parents had said or done back when. Break the chain! You are the most important person in your child's life; you can provide those tools. That is how we ensure that their future is bright.

Today�s twentysomethings seem to be living in a dichotomy; they possess a �master of the universe� mentality while they are unable to get on with their lives. Because of this twentysomethings are boomeranging back home to live with parents in large numbers. Once safe in the cocoon they often have a tough time figuring out how to regain their independence and pursue their dreams.

One of the culprits helping to create this trend is the strong philosophy of entitlement that many twentysomethings have. A philosophy of entitlement is one that leads you to believe that you have the right to something; in this case a job or a lifestyle. This philosophy creates certain attitudes and behaviors.

It should be of no surprise to us of the baby boom generation that we have played a part in helping them develop this entitlement mindset. We are the �me generation�� the ones who invented entitlement! Add to that the fact that we wanted to see our kids grow up with every possible advantage, so we piled them on: the best schools, best equipment, after-school lessons, every technical gadget, and more. They lacked for nothing in most cases and grew up with all the benefits that a lifestyle of abundance brings. But, although they�ve been raised with complete access to the benefits of a successful life, they have not been shown with equal passion how to earn those benefits for themselves.

As they head out into the world after high school or college many of them confront real life for the first time and find that they don�t possess the skills necessary to tackle all that life throws at them. �It all looked so easy for my parents.� �How come it�s taking me so long to succeed at anything?� �What�s gone wrong?� These are often the thoughts of a pre-boomerang kid.

Now, there are times when boomeranging is appropriate. Times are tough for this generation. Starting out on your own seems to get harder and harder with each passing year. Financing an apartment these days is a tremendous task, and many feel they need to acquire a master�s degree just to stay competitive; but let�s not put out the welcome mat so fast. If we are going to be any kind of help we�ve got to think through the situation ourselves, analyze what�s going on, and make changes appropriate for each person.

Take, for example, some external elements at work in this process. Some of those are: the speed of life, the desire for instant gratification, and the mass media. All three have robbed twentysomethings of any sense that it will take some effort to achieve success.

This generation has grown up with the Internet. It�s not �technology,� to them. The speed with which they get answers to their questions is virtually the speed of light. You and I had to make a trip to the library, search through a few card catalogues, find two or three books that may answer our question, and then do some research. Today, we Google it!

Another element that has contributed to their entitlement attitude is the desire for instant gratification. We as parents, and the Internet, have played a part in this. This generation has simply not learned patience or perseverance. They don�t know how to wait. We�ve told them throughout their childhood that they can be anything they want to be, without telling them that it�s going to take some effort to get there.

The media have also played a part in contributing to the desire for instant gratification. Twentysomethings are constantly bombarded with the idea that they can make it, and make it fast, without all the hassle of persevering and struggling to succeed. Look at the current Number One TV show: American Idol. The message here is that you no longer need years of working your way up the ladder of success to be a star. You can be one within a TV season. From unknown to superstar in a matter of weeks! It�s no surprise that when our twentysomethings spend a few months on a job without any advancement they give up easily and look for something else; they are seeking that same instant success. They�ll never know if that was the job for them simply because they didn�t give it enough time. Thomas Edison said, �Many of life's failures are men who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.� How often have we seen our kids give up, wondering if they would have succeeded had they just persevered a bit longer.

Even with all this working against us, getting this generation up and on their feet is doable. The key is to teach them perseverance and focus; perseverance through the tough times and focus on the goal. New patterns of thinking need to replace old entitlement ideas. A de-tuning of the media and a focus on their unique passions and skills will bring clarity and purpose. Most of all, being the mentors we were meant to be and not their saviors will encourage them to fulfill their dreams and visions.

It is pretty ironic that, tonight, as I sit and contemplate, procrastinate, fidget and generally nibble my way through this column, the main focus of my article has gone up in a puff of smoke. Instead of the usual screaming, arguing and general beating each other round the head with the nearest thing to hand, my kids got along really well today. How inconvenient. Usually, we teeter precariously on the knife edge that is sibling rivalry, something that, I have to confess, totally stumps me. Yes, I can appreciate all the childcare guru analysis about stages, needs, acting out and pushing limits, but, as an only child myself, I simply cannot begin to comprehend what it must be like to have a sibling in the first place, to have to share the people you love most in the whole wide world and, on top of that, to have to share them with people you don't even like all the time. It is profoundly weird for me to imagine my mum giving another child a hug and a kiss and a bedtime story. I found it tough enough to share her with the cat, for crying out loud. My immediate family is quite suffocatingly small and so I did all my growing up in a pretty hit and miss way. Now, as a mother of three, I look back and wonder what on earth I actually did with all that time I would have used punching my sister, had I had one.

Tweenager was 5 when Goldilocks came along and the surges of pure guilt I had when we brought the new bundle home were staggering. Instead of giving her a sister, I felt that I was taking away half a mother. I didn't know how to share her and I didn't know how to let her share me. We stumbled along and all went OK, mainly because Tweenager was still so young, but this was the quiet before the storm as all hell broke loose when Squidget came along. I was frequently off with baby, pureeing mush or squirting milk everywhere and suddenly, my kitchen turned into a permanent arena for what, to me, looked like some kind of bizarre, no-rules extreme contact sport of pushing, shouting and random acts of lying on the floor and screaming. Sibling rivalry had entered our home and I was flummoxed. I sought help. Alpha Female in London is one of five sisters and delighted in making me turn puce with stories of how she and her sisters would viciously scratch each other's faces or throw one another down flights of stairs – over a stolen make up brush. Busy Husband told me story after story about trips to casualty after his sister stabbed his hand with a fork for attempting to steal a chip from her plate, or purposeful and deliberate breaking of each other's fingers. My blood ran cold and I watched and waited for my kids, now aged 8 and 3, to inflict untold misery upon each other in the name of 'normal' sisterly love.

I don't know about you, but I think it is incredibly stressful to live in a house where emotional fireworks might go off at any given time, even if they are those of a toddler and young child. I try to pre-empt explosions before they happen and, if the grenades do go off, my natural inclination is to wade in there each and every time, referee-style with my cap and whistle, and resolve the conflict, usually by just adding a few decibels to the noise levels – not very helpful I admit. So I huff and puff and promise not to get involved and to let them 'find their own way', but after half an hour of combined whining, screeching and unexplained thumps and crashes, I always give in and, ultimately, don't make it any better. Then, five minutes later, they astound me by chasing each other around the garden, beaming and giggling like long-lost best friends.

Sibling rivalry is like watching Darwinian theory in practice: the competition to get attention/love/approval/a new hamster is fierce and the game is (usually) one worth winning. Busy Husband and I really set ourselves up for a fall by having 3 girls: oh, the horror stories I have read about same-sex sibling rivalry and its propensity to cause emotional problems, mental illness, global warming – you name it, they'll cause it, in themselves and others. And yet, as individual kids, neither Goldilocks nor Tweenager are jealous or unreasonable types. Bolshy, stubborn and loud, yes, but pretty laid back. We have done all the 'right' things: given them space/more attention, not favoured one over the other/reprimanded unacceptable behaviour, set out 'rules of engagement'/left them alone. To be honest, we have probably temporarily succeeded in sufficiently confusing them into realising the fight just isn't worth it. Perhaps that's why they made my heart melt today with their affection and general cuteness towards one another. Having said that, I don't think I'll be packing up my hard hat just yet…

While I was out walking earlier today; I could not help but to rush back home into my house to share this article with you. It comes from me observing my surroundings watching and listening to little boys and girls play outdoors. After circling around the sidewalk and hearing and watching their method of fun it's "heart-breaking" to see them unattended and not looked upon at all. I spent thirty minutes outdoors and not one time did I see or hear any adult or someone responsible for the kids' well-being.

I know it's sometimes necessary to find a time to relax and take off the hat of parenting; but also we still have to be aware of what our children are doing when they go outside and play. You want to make sure your children are having fun, but at the same time you want them to be in an environment that's safe and beneficial for their well-being. You want to make sure you are in eye distance being able to see where your children are at all- times, this is good parenting. I'm all for children having fun and playing; but by the same token I also believe there should also be a certain amount of restrictions and rules that will be beneficial for your child.

You may even want to set a certain time period for your child to check in from time to time so you will know their whereabouts. Any good parent knows where their child is at, at all times. If your child decided to go over to your next door neighbor you as a parent should know this. We hear far too many abductions, kidnappings, and children being taken away mysteriously and I do not want that to happen to any parent, but unfortunately it does happen across the land. This is all the more reason why we as parents should be aware of our children's surroundings.

It's our responsibility as parents to set the ground rules while children are out playing. Most kid's think everything is fun; and don't really pay attention to what they are doing outside from time to time. As parents we should have dos and don'ts to prevent unexpected expenses that could come from not being aware of what our child or children are doing. To help keep your children safe you should make sure they do not play around dumpsters, thoroughfare traffic, or anything else that could be detrimental to their welfare.

While your child or children are outside having fun whether they're using the trampoline, swimming, etc make sure you have adequate supervision or make sure you check on them regularly. I'm all for being away from my child occasionally when I'm not in her presence, but if she's in walking distance or eye distance then I'm keeping watch over her making sure she's well mannered and safe at all cost.

Your child or children are an asset to you and not a liability. Look, Children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of your womb is a reward. Psalm 127:3. If you are struggling with your parental rights and responsibilities sign-up to receive tips on life in general and I can help you with your parenting concerns.
Copyright © 2007 Clark A. Thomas

Although the role of mothers has changed little over the years, the role of fathers has changed considerably, particularly over the past 150 years.

During the second half of the nineteenth century, often referred to as the Victorian Era, the father was a very distant and rarely seen figure as far as children were concerned and his responsibility was largely confined to being the family's 'law giver'. This changed during the early part of the twentieth century, due in no small part to the influence of Freud, and by the middle of the century fathers were seen much more as being the family's 'wise breadwinner'.

As we moved into the 1960s and 1970s however fathers were once more given a back seat role and many people viewed them as nothing more than 'sperm donors'. Today, it's difficult to define the role of fathers and it's very much a case of 'ask ten people and you'll get eleven opinions'.

So where do we start in trying to define a father's role? Well, the answer is that we have to return to basics and ask a few fundamental questions such as "what effect does their presence (or absence) have on the family?"and "why do children need a father?"

In trying to answer these and other similar questions the first difficulty that you encounter is that there is a wide variety of opinions. However, one thing that most studies agree upon is that children do not normally fair as well in the absence of a father and poor performance at schools, drug use, violent behavior and criminal activity are more frequently seen in children who are raised without a father. But trying to determine just why this should be the case is not easy.

It seems likely that there is no single cause and that a combination of financial, psychological and other factors are involved. Whatever the cause, it would nonetheless seem that children need a father if they are to get the best start in life.

Apart from the traditional role of being the breadwinner and providing the basic necessities of food and shelter, fathers are also undoubtedly seen as providing such things as protection for their daughters and a role model for their sons. However, many suggest that it is the role the father plays as one half of the parental partnership that is perhaps the most important.

Children are strongly influenced by everything that they see and hear and they see and hear a great deal more than we often realize. Observing the roles of mom and dad working together, children learn a great deal from the way in which matters are discussed and decisions made. The manner in which responsibilities are divided between the parents with mom taking care of such things as bedtime routines, diet and household chores and dad being the guardian of such things as the front door (granting permission for the children to spend time with friends or go the mall) and taking care of the issue of pocket money, provides children with a model of parenting and teaches them a variety of skills.

This, combined with a host of other experiences common in a two parent household, helps to shape a child's view of the adult world and of the interaction between the sexes.

We could of course continue to develop this further and look in more detail at just how the interaction of two parents influences the children, but things begin to get a little bit complicated when we start to consider such things as the personalities of the two parents and the strength or otherwise of their own relationship. Looking at the possibilities here would means looking at literally hundreds of different scenarios.

Perhaps the simplest answer to our original question of what a father's role is would be to say that it is many different things to different people and, while we could try to define it, perhaps it's simply enough to say that the presence of a father in a child's life is important and that, in general, children are better off with a father than without one.

Sexuality and how it is developed is a very touchy subject.

People like me who work with children, adults, who have been sexually abused at home, can clearly see a link between the bedroom and the abuse.
We try to advice parents, society on how to prevent this from happening.
We also tend confuse the issues of the people we work with for an issue that impacts everyone.

Advice on keeping children separated, giving them their own bedrooms, is one way of putting restrictions before teaching.
We as parents have a role to teach our children what is appropriate and what not.
Sexuality is part of that, whether we like it, feel comfortable about it, or not.

A lot of professionals are as comfortable, or uncomfortable, as you and I to deal with the sexual development of children. Their advise may come from their point of view.
This view maybe fear and control based.
"This is bad stuff and we need to prevent it for anyone at any cost."
Or it may be opportunity and freedom based
"Kids need to explore without fear and we don't need to tell them this bad stuff"
or something in between.

I personally, and I have worked with a lot of sexually abused people, don't think it is an issue we can solve with one answer for all.
Parents need to know their kids and teach them skills that help them develop abilites to deal with challenges well.
These are communication, conflict resolution skills, self esteem and the ability to say "no".
And they need to talk about sex, kid's bodies and how they are going to develop, what happens and what feelings, desires, confusion may come up.

To do that, parents need to face their own sexuality, their own skills at all of this.
So they can teach and prepare their kids.
And yes, be open and honest with yourself. If you have issues with telling them what you see as right or wrong, you need to work on that. It doesn't mean we have to split up the kids, because we don't know what to say, how to listen for the signals we need to pick up.

Millions, many millions of kids all over the world share rooms, young and old.
Do they have to deal with issues?
Of course they do!
Sharing a room is and opportunity to learn to communicate, solve problems, deal with the presence of others when you don't like it and much more. Including as you grow, have hormones flying through you.
Do some of them come out with problems, sometimes of a sexual nature. Yes, they do.
But the fast majority don't and love their brothers and sisters, even with all the family dynamics we know.
And they have learned from those fights and of the physical contact that living in close quarters brings.
Without any sexual hang ups.

If you see, hear a signal that your kids are not getting along, or doing something that may worry you, step up to your parenting plate and deal with it.
Sometimes splitting them up is absolutely the answer.
Most of the time, it is not.
You as a parent can deal with most of it simply, by listening, taking your kids seriously and making your own common sense decisions, having them solve it, maybe with you.
Do I advocate for kids sharing rooms, like boys of fourteen with girls of eight to twelve, sixteen?
Of course not.
But being a parent is looking at more than one answer.

A blank statement about sharing rooms being right or wrong is, in my opinion, an easy way out of being a responsible parent.
You and your kids are the special mix you are and you will need your own answers.
Many are blended families, many are not.
And the more you prepare your kids to have open strong relationships, sharing what they think and feel, solving issues along the way, the more you prepare them for a great life, including a great sex life.

And walls between people have never taught them how to communicate.
Privacy, respect for boundaries are teachable concepts.
Let's teach our kids to deal with those well.
That is our job, after all.