Parenthood

How do you feel when your boss lectures you about something that you did or suggested and ends his talk with, "I own this company, I've been in this business longer than you, and I sign your paycheck. I don't care how good of an idea you think you have just do what I say and keep your ideas to yourself!"? I'm sure you don't feel too good, you are not motivated from such talk and it doesn't build in you a sense of loyalty to the company.

If this is true for you, an adult who is supposed to have some control over your emotions, just imagine how ineffective such lectures are to transmit your values and to convince children of your views.

How then, you might ask, can you fulfill your parental obligation to pass on your values, life's lessons that you learnt the hard way, and prepare them for life without lecturing them? The answer is to tell stories and personal anecdotes that show the values that you feel are important for your children to learn. Story telling is the most pleasant, gentle, and effective way to get your message across.

Here a few tips on how I do this with my children:

*I wait for a time when a few of the older children are just sitting around listening to music,doing homework, or noshing (especially chocolate).

*I lean on a wall in the living room (to be as informal as possible) and say, "Do you want to hear what happened to me today?" (I don't wait for an answer) or "I heard the most unbelievable story today..."

* I never start by saying, "I heard this story about honesty today." I'm afraid if I would start like that they would shut off their ears thinking, "Oh no. Here comes another "goodie-goodie" lecture." I just give a general introduction and jump right into the story.

* Obviously, I also don't end off with a statement like, "and therefore I expect you ....". I just say, "I was so impressed with his courage or his honesty. I don't know how he did it but I wish I would be so strong"

Try it and you'll know that you are successful when, at a later time (sometimes even years later), your children live with those values and even quote you the stories that you told them.

Although the role of mothers has changed little over the years, the role of fathers has changed considerably, particularly over the past 150 years.

During the second half of the nineteenth century, often referred to as the Victorian Era, the father was a very distant and rarely seen figure as far as children were concerned and his responsibility was largely confined to being the family's 'law giver'. This changed during the early part of the twentieth century, due in no small part to the influence of Freud, and by the middle of the century fathers were seen much more as being the family's 'wise breadwinner'.

As we moved into the 1960s and 1970s however fathers were once more given a back seat role and many people viewed them as nothing more than 'sperm donors'. Today, it's difficult to define the role of fathers and it's very much a case of 'ask ten people and you'll get eleven opinions'.

So where do we start in trying to define a father's role? Well, the answer is that we have to return to basics and ask a few fundamental questions such as "what effect does their presence (or absence) have on the family?"and "why do children need a father?"

In trying to answer these and other similar questions the first difficulty that you encounter is that there is a wide variety of opinions. However, one thing that most studies agree upon is that children do not normally fair as well in the absence of a father and poor performance at schools, drug use, violent behavior and criminal activity are more frequently seen in children who are raised without a father. But trying to determine just why this should be the case is not easy.

It seems likely that there is no single cause and that a combination of financial, psychological and other factors are involved. Whatever the cause, it would nonetheless seem that children need a father if they are to get the best start in life.

Apart from the traditional role of being the breadwinner and providing the basic necessities of food and shelter, fathers are also undoubtedly seen as providing such things as protection for their daughters and a role model for their sons. However, many suggest that it is the role the father plays as one half of the parental partnership that is perhaps the most important.

Children are strongly influenced by everything that they see and hear and they see and hear a great deal more than we often realize. Observing the roles of mom and dad working together, children learn a great deal from the way in which matters are discussed and decisions made. The manner in which responsibilities are divided between the parents with mom taking care of such things as bedtime routines, diet and household chores and dad being the guardian of such things as the front door (granting permission for the children to spend time with friends or go the mall) and taking care of the issue of pocket money, provides children with a model of parenting and teaches them a variety of skills.

This, combined with a host of other experiences common in a two parent household, helps to shape a child's view of the adult world and of the interaction between the sexes.

We could of course continue to develop this further and look in more detail at just how the interaction of two parents influences the children, but things begin to get a little bit complicated when we start to consider such things as the personalities of the two parents and the strength or otherwise of their own relationship. Looking at the possibilities here would means looking at literally hundreds of different scenarios.

Perhaps the simplest answer to our original question of what a father's role is would be to say that it is many different things to different people and, while we could try to define it, perhaps it's simply enough to say that the presence of a father in a child's life is important and that, in general, children are better off with a father than without one.