Parenthood

How you decide to raise your children is entirely dependent on your morals, values, ideology and how you were raised. Everyone has different methods of raising their children. What unites all parents is their want for what is best for their children. We want them to be respectful, goal-oriented, forward thinking, compassionate, strong and, most of all, happy.
In the process, though, we must have those attributes to show our children how it is done. Above all, consistently living values and morals is the most effective way to teach them to your children. Saying one thing and doing another sends the message that it is okay not to live up to your word and that hypocrisy is acceptable.

For example, if you follow an organized religion, do so faithfully. Follow the religious principles, attend services regularly and search for guidance through the institution. This will show your child that religion is something important in your life that should be important to them as well. They may not fully understand the values of the religion until they are older, but as long as they know that it is important they will make the effort to follow faithfully.

Another prime example is smoking. If you teach your children that smoking is bad but are a smoker yourself, your children will think that it is okay. If they see a parent who smokes as happy, healthy and loving, the connection between smoking and disease will never be made. No matter what you tell them about the negative effects of smoking, all they see is a smoker living a happy, normal life. In this case there are two options: to be miserable, angry and depressed to connect smoking with sickness, or to quit smoking. When making health choices it is important to remember that the effects of these decisions affect not only you, but your children as well.

Don't waver about what you want a child to do, especially when they are young. Be clear with your messages. If you tell them that hitting is wrong, don't give them any exceptions. They are too young to understand which times it would be okay to hit and which times it would not be okay, which means that smacking them on the hand should not be a form of punishment. They will not be able to separate what mommy or daddy is allowed to do from what they are allowed to do.
Most of what children learn, especially before they are at an age where they attend school regularly, they learn from their parents. Just because they don't understand some things does not mean they are not watching what you do. It is important to practice what you preach. If you want your children to live up to your moral standards, you have to live up to them first. Whatever your morals are, stick to them. Whatever your parenting strategy, don't sacrifice it just so your child will be your friend. Remember that you are a role model for your children.

Since children imitate most of what their parents do, it is important for you to teach them through action, not just words. The values and morals you want your child to learn will only be passed on if you live them first.

Avoiding the blame game is one way to teach your child about responsibility. Even if you are right, you do not want to teach your children that it is okay to pass the blame onto somebody else.
This happens quite often in children's sports, though it is not the children that are doing the blaming. Parents in the stands frequently fight with each other, the coach or the referee if the game isn't going as well as they would like. Sometimes your child might not get as much playing time as you would like, a ref makes a bad call or another player gets away with a penalty against your child. Yelling, screaming and fighting will not solve the problem; it will only embarrass your children and yourself.

In these cases it is important to remember that no one can take about your child's talent. As long as your children work hard, their abilities will show on the playing field, in spite of a few questionable calls. In the game of life, there is a lot of room for human error.

Blaming others sends the message that you are trying to deflect responsibility. It shouldn't be about winning an argument or proving you were right. It should be about being a good role model for you children. Instead of blaming others, this about what you can do to make the situation better. Instead of blaming the referee, simply say "You played a great game."

Your children will face obstacles in which the will not have the opportunity to blame someone else, even if it is not their fault. For example, if you child spends all night on a homework assignment and then the computer crashes, he or she faces a serious challenge. Teachers do not want to hear "the dog ate my homework." Instead of making up excuses or trying to place blame on the school or computer, your child must come up with a way to get the assignment done.
Think about what would happen if your child has seen you placing blame. He or she will think about following your example and will try to look for a way to blame it on someone or something else. Teaching these bad habits now will not profit your child later when he or she enters the work force. If their boss asks them to do something they can't do, they can blame others all they want, but the boss won't want to hear it. The boss is only concerned about how the problem will be fixed.

You have to teach your children now, through your own behavior, that even when you can't control a situation you can improve it. Things will not always go their way, and you have to teach them how to take responsibility and come up with ways to compensate for unavoidable accidents or the mistakes of others.

It is pretty ironic that, tonight, as I sit and contemplate, procrastinate, fidget and generally nibble my way through this column, the main focus of my article has gone up in a puff of smoke. Instead of the usual screaming, arguing and general beating each other round the head with the nearest thing to hand, my kids got along really well today. How inconvenient. Usually, we teeter precariously on the knife edge that is sibling rivalry, something that, I have to confess, totally stumps me. Yes, I can appreciate all the childcare guru analysis about stages, needs, acting out and pushing limits, but, as an only child myself, I simply cannot begin to comprehend what it must be like to have a sibling in the first place, to have to share the people you love most in the whole wide world and, on top of that, to have to share them with people you don't even like all the time. It is profoundly weird for me to imagine my mum giving another child a hug and a kiss and a bedtime story. I found it tough enough to share her with the cat, for crying out loud. My immediate family is quite suffocatingly small and so I did all my growing up in a pretty hit and miss way. Now, as a mother of three, I look back and wonder what on earth I actually did with all that time I would have used punching my sister, had I had one.

Tweenager was 5 when Goldilocks came along and the surges of pure guilt I had when we brought the new bundle home were staggering. Instead of giving her a sister, I felt that I was taking away half a mother. I didn't know how to share her and I didn't know how to let her share me. We stumbled along and all went OK, mainly because Tweenager was still so young, but this was the quiet before the storm as all hell broke loose when Squidget came along. I was frequently off with baby, pureeing mush or squirting milk everywhere and suddenly, my kitchen turned into a permanent arena for what, to me, looked like some kind of bizarre, no-rules extreme contact sport of pushing, shouting and random acts of lying on the floor and screaming. Sibling rivalry had entered our home and I was flummoxed. I sought help. Alpha Female in London is one of five sisters and delighted in making me turn puce with stories of how she and her sisters would viciously scratch each other's faces or throw one another down flights of stairs – over a stolen make up brush. Busy Husband told me story after story about trips to casualty after his sister stabbed his hand with a fork for attempting to steal a chip from her plate, or purposeful and deliberate breaking of each other's fingers. My blood ran cold and I watched and waited for my kids, now aged 8 and 3, to inflict untold misery upon each other in the name of 'normal' sisterly love.

I don't know about you, but I think it is incredibly stressful to live in a house where emotional fireworks might go off at any given time, even if they are those of a toddler and young child. I try to pre-empt explosions before they happen and, if the grenades do go off, my natural inclination is to wade in there each and every time, referee-style with my cap and whistle, and resolve the conflict, usually by just adding a few decibels to the noise levels – not very helpful I admit. So I huff and puff and promise not to get involved and to let them 'find their own way', but after half an hour of combined whining, screeching and unexplained thumps and crashes, I always give in and, ultimately, don't make it any better. Then, five minutes later, they astound me by chasing each other around the garden, beaming and giggling like long-lost best friends.

Sibling rivalry is like watching Darwinian theory in practice: the competition to get attention/love/approval/a new hamster is fierce and the game is (usually) one worth winning. Busy Husband and I really set ourselves up for a fall by having 3 girls: oh, the horror stories I have read about same-sex sibling rivalry and its propensity to cause emotional problems, mental illness, global warming – you name it, they'll cause it, in themselves and others. And yet, as individual kids, neither Goldilocks nor Tweenager are jealous or unreasonable types. Bolshy, stubborn and loud, yes, but pretty laid back. We have done all the 'right' things: given them space/more attention, not favoured one over the other/reprimanded unacceptable behaviour, set out 'rules of engagement'/left them alone. To be honest, we have probably temporarily succeeded in sufficiently confusing them into realising the fight just isn't worth it. Perhaps that's why they made my heart melt today with their affection and general cuteness towards one another. Having said that, I don't think I'll be packing up my hard hat just yet…

Preschoolers are full of energy and curiosity and have a natural eagerness to learn. They have mastered many gross motor skills and are extremely active. By preschool age, most children have also acquired a strong grasp of language skills and place a great value on friendships. Because of their strong imaginations and wide range of interests, preschoolers usually most enjoy dramatic and creative play, as well as physical activities.

The best toys for preschoolers are sturdy and durable, and not likely to result in jagged or sharp edges if broken. Look for toys that are made of quality, nontoxic materials and are appropriate for your preschooler's age and skill level. Wooden toys are extremely durable, safe, and offer hours of educational, fun play time.

Toys that encourage physical play are great for preschoolers. The outdoors offer children a number of sensory learning opportunities so it is important to provide your preschooler with a selection of toys designed for outdoor use. Wooden toys like tricycles, wagons, and scooters are ideal for preschoolers' outdoor play. Miniature replicas of adult outdoor tools, like wheelbarrows and lawnmowers, are also a lot of fun at this age.

Most preschoolers have a lot of interest in constructive play, especially building projects with a finished product or specific goal. Wooden toys like blocks and jigsaw puzzles are perfect for preschoolers. Simple models and snap-together toys also provide preschoolers with hours of enjoyable play.

Preschoolers also need a good selection of toys that encourage dramatic play, or imaginative play. Miniature appliances, like wooden stoves and refrigerators, wooden doll accessories, like cradles and highchairs, and wooden play sets, like car garages and fire stations, are all quality toys for pretend play. Props to enhance play settings are also important. Play food, dress up clothes, and baby items like blankets and bottles can help your preschooler expand her imaginative play time.

Puppets offer all types of play benefits to preschoolers. Your child can address frightening situations through puppets or can use them as a healthy way to express her anger or frustration over a recent event. Puppet play also helps preschoolers to expand their vocabularies and develop social and emotional skills. Wooden puppet stages are available in several styles and sizes. Together with a variety of puppets, a puppet stage can provide hours of creative fun.

During the preschool years, most children begin to enjoy simple board and card games as well. Matching games and games with simple objectives like color recognition or counting are typically the most enjoyable games for preschoolers. Wooden toys and games with simple scoring and only basic rules are great for teaching preschoolers to share and take turns, as well as develop fine motor skills and school readiness skills.

Scientific toys and working tools are also good choices for older preschoolers. Small hammers and screwdrivers allow children to practice building skills and develop more precise hand and eye coordination. Toy microscopes and telescopes invite young children to learn by exploring the world around them. Ring toss games and wooden toys for beanbag tossing are also fun games that help preschoolers develop hand and eye coordination, as well as fine and gross motor skills.

Although the role of mothers has changed little over the years, the role of fathers has changed considerably, particularly over the past 150 years.

During the second half of the nineteenth century, often referred to as the Victorian Era, the father was a very distant and rarely seen figure as far as children were concerned and his responsibility was largely confined to being the family's 'law giver'. This changed during the early part of the twentieth century, due in no small part to the influence of Freud, and by the middle of the century fathers were seen much more as being the family's 'wise breadwinner'.

As we moved into the 1960s and 1970s however fathers were once more given a back seat role and many people viewed them as nothing more than 'sperm donors'. Today, it's difficult to define the role of fathers and it's very much a case of 'ask ten people and you'll get eleven opinions'.

So where do we start in trying to define a father's role? Well, the answer is that we have to return to basics and ask a few fundamental questions such as "what effect does their presence (or absence) have on the family?"and "why do children need a father?"

In trying to answer these and other similar questions the first difficulty that you encounter is that there is a wide variety of opinions. However, one thing that most studies agree upon is that children do not normally fair as well in the absence of a father and poor performance at schools, drug use, violent behavior and criminal activity are more frequently seen in children who are raised without a father. But trying to determine just why this should be the case is not easy.

It seems likely that there is no single cause and that a combination of financial, psychological and other factors are involved. Whatever the cause, it would nonetheless seem that children need a father if they are to get the best start in life.

Apart from the traditional role of being the breadwinner and providing the basic necessities of food and shelter, fathers are also undoubtedly seen as providing such things as protection for their daughters and a role model for their sons. However, many suggest that it is the role the father plays as one half of the parental partnership that is perhaps the most important.

Children are strongly influenced by everything that they see and hear and they see and hear a great deal more than we often realize. Observing the roles of mom and dad working together, children learn a great deal from the way in which matters are discussed and decisions made. The manner in which responsibilities are divided between the parents with mom taking care of such things as bedtime routines, diet and household chores and dad being the guardian of such things as the front door (granting permission for the children to spend time with friends or go the mall) and taking care of the issue of pocket money, provides children with a model of parenting and teaches them a variety of skills.

This, combined with a host of other experiences common in a two parent household, helps to shape a child's view of the adult world and of the interaction between the sexes.

We could of course continue to develop this further and look in more detail at just how the interaction of two parents influences the children, but things begin to get a little bit complicated when we start to consider such things as the personalities of the two parents and the strength or otherwise of their own relationship. Looking at the possibilities here would means looking at literally hundreds of different scenarios.

Perhaps the simplest answer to our original question of what a father's role is would be to say that it is many different things to different people and, while we could try to define it, perhaps it's simply enough to say that the presence of a father in a child's life is important and that, in general, children are better off with a father than without one.